A client said something recently that I don't think they expected me to notice. Over the course of our conversation they mentioned someone with nice clothes, someone else who made more money than they did, another person whose hair always seemed put together. After hearing them woven throughout the conversation, I reflected something back.

"It sounds like appearances matter to you." They paused. Then I added, "It also sounds like financial abundance and stability matters to you." There was a long silence before they nodded, and kind of cringed, saying,"I guess it does."

What struck me most was how difficult it had been to say out loud. It wasn’t the values themselves that created the discomfort, it was the shame they had attached to them. Somewhere along the way they had learned that caring about how they looked, or wanting financial security and success, made them less thoughtful, less generous, or somehow less worthy than someone whose values sounded more noble.

That conversation stayed with me because it reminded me how easily other people's opinions become our own internal narrative. Sometimes we inherit beliefs about what we should value. Other times we inherit beliefs about who we are. Either way, the mechanism is remarkably similar. We stop questioning the story because we've heard it so many times that it begins to feel like fact.

As a coach, I spend a great deal of time helping people identify what matters most, but I think we sometimes skip over an equally important question. Are those values actually yours, or are they simply the ones you’ve been taught are acceptable to admit?

There are values that receive applause almost automatically. Kindness, integrity, family, service, generosity. Then there are values that people often whisper, if they acknowledge them at all. Beauty. Achievement. Recognition. Adventure. Wealth. Influence. Autonomy. None of those words are inherently virtuous, or selfish, they are simply directions. A compass doesn’t tell you whether you’re a good person, it tells you which way you’re pointing.

I know this because I’ve lived it, and seen it in my coaching practice. For years I believed I was bad at running. It became one of those stories that felt so true I never thought to question it. I was told, then I repeated it about myself, other people repeated it back to me, and eventually it settled into my identity. The funny thing is, no one had ever really taught me to run. I was a teenage girl in a female body, coached largely by men who understood athletics but didn’t necessarily understand what it felt like to sprint without the support, literally and figuratively, that I needed. Looking back, I sometimes joke that a good sports bra would have changed my relationship with running years earlier, but there is more truth in that joke than I realized at the time.

I’m reading Mary Cain’s This Is Not About Running, and it has been bringing back memories I hadn’t visited in years. Because it’s about the stories we inherit about our bodies, our abilities, and our worth. Those stories have a remarkable way of disguising themselves as facts.

The longer I coach, the more convinced I become that values and identity are impossible to separate. We don't make decisions based solely on what matters to us; we make them based on who we believe ourselves to be. If I believe I'm "not a runner," I'll never discover whether I could become one. If I believe wanting financial abundance makes me selfish, I'll unconsciously push opportunities away. If I believe setting boundaries makes me disloyal, I'll continue sacrificing myself long after it's healthy to do so.

When we’re out of alignment with our values, everything feels strangely heavy. We procrastinate, we distract ourselves, we look for another podcast, another book, another strategy, because it is often easier to gather information than it is to admit what we already know.

Eventually those stories lead us to a crossroads, most people outside the room (or zoom room) would never know it happened. It's simply the moment when someone has enough information, enough support, enough awareness, and enough skill to move forward, yet they remain exactly where they are. Not because they are incapable, but because the identity they've been carrying still feels safer than the uncertainty of becoming someone new.

That is the place where people love to quote, “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” I think there is something even more interesting waiting on the other side. Honesty. Not just honesty about the world, but honesty with yourself. Honesty about what you value. Honesty about the stories you’ve inherited. Honesty about which obstacles are outside your control, and which ones have quietly become familiar places to hide.

This is where conversations about personal responsibility can become unhelpful, because they sometimes drift into the idea that every hardship is self-created, or that struggle is evidence that we simply have not examined ourselves deeply enough. I do not believe that to be so simple.

Circumstances shape behavior, trauma shapes perception, systems create real constraints, and luck plays a larger role in our lives than many people are comfortable admitting. We do not choose the family we are born into, the body we inhabit, the resources available to us, or every challenge that enters our lives. What we can sometimes do, with enough safety and support, is notice the beliefs and protective patterns we developed along the way, ask whether they still serve us, and identify which parts of our response are genuinely available to change.

The question becomes not, “Why did this happen to me?” but, “Given the reality in front of me, what belongs to me now?” That is agency.

And agency is where I think coaching does its best work, because once we stop trying to rewrite the past, we can finally begin writing the next chapter.

NBC-HWC | ACSM-CPT

Mental PEAKS: When You Have What You Need and Still Feel Stuck

There is a particular kind of frustration that shows up when you know what to do, have the resources to do it, and still cannot seem to move forward. At that point, the obstacle is often no longer information, but the discomfort attached to action.

Behavior change research reminds us that progress does not require fear, uncertainty, or self-doubt to disappear first. It requires enough psychological flexibility to carry those feelings with us while we move toward what matters.

Start by asking, “What feeling would I have to be willing to experience in order to take this step?” The real obstacle may be rejection, embarrassment, disappointment, vulnerability, or the fear that success will create new expectations.

Then examine both sides of the ambivalence:

If I make this change, I might gain…If I make this change, I might lose…

Often, we are not resisting the outcome itself, we are protecting ourselves from a consequence we have not yet named.

Next, make the action specific. Instead of “I need to start,” decide when, where, and what you will do. Research on implementation intentions shows that simple if-then plans can help close the gap between intention and behavior.

If this happens, then I will do that.

Finally, choose a step small enough to create evidence. Self-efficacy grows through successful experience, not through waiting to feel completely ready.

Ask, “What is the smallest action that would still count as keeping faith with myself?”

And remember, not every obstacle is internal. Some barriers are financial, environmental, relational, physical, or structural. Agency does not mean pretending every option is available, it means seeing clearly which options are.

When you feel stuck, the answer is rarely more shame or more information. More often, it is naming what you are protecting, deciding whether that protection is still necessary, and taking one value-aligned step before certainty arrives.

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