I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how often people say they “just need accountability.”
And sometimes that’s true. Community matters, support matters, structure matters, and having people in your corner can absolutely make change feel more possible. I’ve built much of my work around helping people stay connected to themselves and their goals when life becomes chaotic, exhausting, or emotionally heavy. But sometimes what looks like an accountability problem is actually something much deeper.
Recently, I found myself reflecting on a conversation with someone who genuinely wants to take better care of themselves. They have access to the tools, they understand the benefits of exercise, they are intelligent and self-aware, and they are not lacking information. Yet every attempt to prioritize themselves seems to get filtered through everyone else’s needs first.
A close relationship isn’t particularly supportive of the gym or the time commitment. Their schedule feels unpredictable. Other people consistently need things from them. There is always another obligation, another interruption, another reason this is not the ideal week to focus on themselves. And honestly, I do not think this is really about workouts.
I think many people have spent so many years becoming accommodating, useful, flexible, low-maintenance, emotionally available, and deeply attuned to everyone else around them that prioritizing themselves begins to feel emotionally uncomfortable, even when they consciously know it is important. Not impossible, not confusing, uncomfortable.
Because taking care of yourself often requires behaviors many people were subtly conditioned away from. It requires protecting time, taking up space, tolerating the possibility of inconvenience, asking for support, holding boundaries, becoming more visible, and allowing your needs to matter alongside the needs of other people. That is a very different conversation than simply asking how to become more motivated.
Wellness culture talks endlessly about motivation, but motivation is unreliable and wildly over-romanticized. Most meaningful behavior change happens long before a person feels fully confident, fully energized, fully supported, or fully ready.
I think many people are quietly waiting for a mythical season of life where nobody needs anything from them, where the schedule finally calms down, where stress disappears, where relationships become perfectly supportive, where energy arrives effortlessly, and where self-care no longer creates friction in their lives. I am not convinced that season exists.
Real life is usually much messier than that. There are dishes in the sink, unfinished tasks, complicated family dynamics, shifting work schedules, caregiving responsibilities, financial stress, emotional exhaustion, and people with opinions about how we spend our time and energy.
Sometimes taking care of yourself means another person may not fully understand your choices. Sometimes it means someone experiences mild inconvenience. Sometimes it means choosing yourself before every external condition has aligned perfectly. That does not make someone selfish, it makes them human.
And honestly, this is one of the biggest misunderstandings I see around accountability and coaching. People often imagine accountability as another person dragging them toward their goals, checking in constantly, monitoring behaviors, applying pressure, or somehow manufacturing discipline on their behalf.
But the healthiest forms of accountability are not about creating dependence. They are about helping someone slowly rebuild trust in themselves. Trust that when they say something matters, they will respond to it. Trust that they can tolerate discomfort without immediately abandoning themselves. Trust that they can make choices for their own well-being without everything around them collapsing. Trust that they are capable of caring for themselves even when conditions are imperfect. That kind of trust is not built through shame, intensity, guilt, or constant restarting.
It is built through small kept promises:
Protecting the coaching call.
Taking the walk.
Going to bed earlier.
Making the appointment.
Preparing the meal.
Leaving the house for an hour without apologizing for it.
Showing yourself repeatedly that your needs are allowed to exist in the same room as everyone else’s needs. Not after everyone else, alongside everyone else. I think that distinction matters more than most people realize.
Because sustainable wellness is rarely built through dramatic acts of discipline. More often, it is built quietly, through repeated moments where a person decides their well-being deserves consideration before the world becomes perfectly accommodating to it, and through the slow, sometimes uncomfortable realization that caring for yourself does not make you weak, selfish, or lacking in motivation, it simply makes you human.
That is the process of learning how to stop abandoning yourself.
NBC-HWC | ACSM-CPT
Mental PEAKS: Why Believing You Can Matters
One of the most important concepts in behavior change research is something called self-efficacy, a term developed by psychologist Albert Bandura to describe a person’s belief in their ability to successfully execute behaviors and navigate challenges. Importantly, self-efficacy is not the same thing as confidence, motivation, or positive thinking. It is the deeply practical belief that “I can do this, even when it is difficult, inconvenient, uncomfortable, or imperfect.” Research over the last several decades has consistently shown that self-efficacy is strongly associated with exercise adherence, resilience, health behavior change, persistence through setbacks, and long-term wellness outcomes.
What makes this especially interesting in the context of health and fitness is that self-efficacy is not primarily built through inspiration, intense motivation, or consuming more information. In fact, Bandura’s work demonstrated that self-efficacy grows most effectively through mastery experiences, meaning small moments where a person successfully follows through, navigates discomfort, adapts to obstacles, and survives challenges they once believed would stop them.
This matters because many people assume they need to feel more motivated before they can consistently care for themselves, when in reality the research suggests the opposite is often true. Action frequently precedes belief. Tiny acts of follow-through become evidence, and that evidence slowly reshapes identity and expectation. A person who repeatedly proves to themselves that they can take a walk despite a stressful day, protect an hour for movement despite competing responsibilities, or return to a routine after disruption begins building a different internal narrative about their own capability.
There is also an important nuance here that newer health psychology research has explored, particularly around the relationship between self-efficacy and motivation. Some researchers argue that people are often labeled “unmotivated” when what they are actually experiencing is a collision between personal goals and environmental friction, such as caregiving demands, financial limitations, relationship stress, exhaustion, lack of social support, or chronic overwhelm. In those situations, the issue is not simply laziness or lack of discipline, but the very real challenge of sustaining behavior change in environments that do not fully support it.
That distinction matters deeply in coaching and wellness spaces, because it changes the conversation from “Why can’t this person just try harder?” to “What helps a person build trust in their own ability to act even when conditions are imperfect?”
The evidence increasingly suggests that sustainable behavior change is less about dramatic bursts of discipline and more about repeated experiences of capability, adaptability, and self-trust. Over time, those small moments accumulate, and people begin to see themselves differently, not as someone waiting for the perfect season to start caring for themselves, but as someone capable of taking meaningful action in the middle of real life.
A Day of Healing Arts returns June 13 at Tahoe Flow Arts & Fitness!
Join us for an immersive day of workshops, wellness, movement, and community, culminating in an unforgettable evening featuring a chef-curated tasting experience by Chef Abi Collomb, live performances, glow flow, and a garden dance party, all supporting the Kelly Smiley Youth Scholarship Fund.
|
|
|
How I can help you right now:
- 1:1 Coaching (virtual or in-person): Personalized fitness, nutrition, health, and lifestyle coaching designed to meet you where you are.
- Group Coaching (Elevate 8 + other programs): For everyday athletes who want structure, accountability, and community while building strength and resilience.
- Studio Classes & Training (Tahoe Flow Arts & Fitness): Yoga, strength, aerial, and movement training with an amazing mountain community.
- Retreats & Events: Immersive experiences where movement, mindset, and connection come together.
- Corporate & Team Wellness: Workshops, trainings, and programs designed to support employee health, resilience, and performance, ideal for mountain resorts, hospitality, and other organizations who want to invest in their people.
|
Never Stop Learning:
Get your resources here...
