One of the first things I explore with new coaching clients has nothing to do with calories, workouts, or sleep routines.

We talk about values. At first, it can seem unrelated. Someone comes to coaching because they want to lose weight, get stronger, improve their health, or feel better in their body. And then I ask questions like:

Who do you want to be?
What matters most to you?
What kind of life do you want to build?

It can feel abstract at first. But eventually something clicks. Because values are not just philosophical ideas, they are a compass.

When people feel stuck, overwhelmed, or ambivalent, it’s often not because they don’t know what to do. It’s because they’re trying to follow directions that were never truly theirs to begin with. Somewhere along the way we pick up a long list of “shoulds.”

I should work out this way.
I should eat like this.
I should want these things.
I should live this kind of life.

But “should” is a tricky word. It often means: someone else’s expectations.

And when our goals come from someone else’s expectations, motivation rarely lasts. Values are different. They give us direction. And direction matters more than perfection.

Years ago, before I was a coach, I worked in veterinary medicine. And I stayed in my first job in the field for many years longer than I probably should have. At the time, I believed something very strongly about myself:

Hard workers don’t quit.

I had internalized the idea that if something was difficult or painful, the answer was to push harder. That leaving meant I lacked grit or loyalty. And I do value hard work. I do value loyalty.

But what I eventually realized was that I had absorbed a belief that wasn’t actually mine. The version of “hard work” I was living looked a lot like martyrdom.

Long hours. Emotional exhaustion. No boundaries around time or energy. It took me years to realize something important:

You can value hard work without sacrificing yourself.

You can be in integrity, provide excellent care, show up with dedication, and still have healthy boundaries around your time and energy. Once I saw that clearly, the decision to leave felt very different, but it wasn't for years after I hit my breaking point in that job, and I quit that I recognized this. In fact, quitting was so out of character for me at the tome I felt incredibly lost.

I see versions of this with coaching clients all the time. One client, we’ll call her Susan, believed that in order to feel better she needed to buy things. When she had a hard day, the solution was shopping. And in the moment it worked. It made her 10-minute self feel better.

But when we explored it through a slightly wider lens, she realized something important. That habit was hurting her 10-month self and her 10-year self. Debt was building. Stress was building.

The short-term relief wasn’t aligned with the life she actually wanted. Once she saw that clearly, she didn’t need to shame herself into change. She just needed to make choices that honored the future she cared about.

Another client, we’ll call him Jack, he came to coaching frustrated with how easily he was slipping into anger and pessimism. He told me something that stuck with me.

“I don’t want to be an angry man ten years from now.”

He said it didn’t feel like who he really was, but the habit was there. So we started with values. Who do you want to be?

His answer was simple:
Someone who sees the good in people.
Someone who doesn’t rush to judgment.
Someone who lets things go.

Jack wrote his values on a small card and kept it somewhere visible. Whenever he noticed anger rising, he would pause and look at that reminder of who he wanted to be. Then we worked on a simple strategy: change the scenery:

Take a walk. Step outside. Move his body.

It turns out the anger often melted away once he created a little space. Not because the world had changed, but because he had remembered who he wanted to be inside it.

A third client, we’ll call him Sam, started noticing something interesting during our conversations. Many of the “shoulds” in his head weren’t actually his. They sounded suspiciously like his parents.

The expectations. The criticism. The fear of vulnerability in relationships.

Sam wanted deeper connections with. the people around him, but that inherited voice kept holding him back. Once he started noticing it, something shifted. He realized he was already living close to his values. He didn’t need to overhaul his personality or become someone new. He just needed to turn up the volume slightly on the actions that already aligned with who he wanted to be.

A little more openness. A little more intention. And suddenly those relationships began to feel easier. Not perfect. But more authentic, and more connected.

Borrowed Shoulds

One exercise I often suggest is identifying what I call borrowed shoulds. These are beliefs we carry that originated somewhere else:

A parent.
A coach.
A teacher.
A workplace culture.
Society.

Sometimes those expectations serve us. Sometimes they quietly shape our lives long after they stop being useful. When someone says:

“I should be further along by now.”
“I should be able to handle this.”
“I should want this life.”

A powerful question is:

Whose voice is that?

And just as importantly:

Do you still want it to guide you?

Because sometimes the most important step forward isn’t trying harder. It’s letting go of a belief that was never truly yours.

Another tool I love for navigating decisions is the 10-10-10 rule.

When you’re facing a choice, ask yourself:

How will I feel about this in 10 minutes?
How will I feel about this in 10 months?
How will I feel about this in 10 years?

Suddenly your future self gets a seat at the table. And often that perspective changes everything. There’s another piece people underestimate too.

Your environment matters.

The people you spend time with. The conversations you’re part of. The norms around you. We are deeply influenced by the worlds we live in.

If the culture around you normalizes burnout, it becomes easy to believe burnout is just the price of being responsible. If everyone around you treats self-neglect as normal, it becomes harder to prioritize your health. That’s why sometimes real change requires looking not just at habits, but at the ecosystem of your life.

Who are you around? What behaviors are normalized? And does this environment support the person you want to become?

Underneath all of this is a simple but powerful question.

Who do you want to be?

Not who you think you should be. Not who someone else expects you to be. But the version of yourself that feels aligned with what matters most. When people get honest about that question, something interesting happens. Ambivalence begins to unravel. The path forward might still require courage. But it becomes clearer.

NBC-HWC | ACSM-CPT

Mental PEAKS: Clarifying Your Values

If you’ve never defined your values, start simple. Values are not a long list of admirable words. They’re a small set of guiding principles that help you make decisions. In my experience, the most useful value sets are three to five words...max. More than that and they stop being a compass. Here are a few ways to start exploring yours:

1️⃣ Write your “future self” description

Imagine your life five years from now if things go well.

Who are you?
How do you show up in your relationships?
How do you treat your body?
How do people experience you?

Look for the patterns in that vision. Those often point toward your real values.

2️⃣ Audit your “shoulds”

Write down every sentence that starts with:

“I should…”

Then ask yourself:

Is this mine?

Or did it come from somewhere else?

3️⃣ Run decisions through the 10-10-10 rule

How will I feel about this in:

10 minutes
10 months
10 years

This simple question can reveal whether a choice supports your future self or just relieves a momentary discomfort.

4️⃣ Do an environment check

Who influences your daily behavior most?

Friends.
Family.
Coworkers.
Online spaces.

Do those environments reinforce the person you want to become, or pull you away from it?

5️⃣ Ask the identity question

When you're unsure what to do, ask:

“What would the person I want to become do here?”

You don’t have to get it perfect. Just take one step in that direction. Over time, those steps become identity. And identity becomes the life you build.

---

✨An Invitation to Reset Your Mind✨ Next week I’ll be joining Nikki Dean as a guest expert in the Love & Happiness Mindfulness Challenge (March 16–20). It’s a free 5-day experience designed to help you slow down, reconnect with calm, and intentionally choose how you show up in your life and community. Each day includes a short mindfulness video, live conversations with guest experts, and simple practices you can actually apply. If your mind could use a reset right now, this is a beautiful place to start. Join the challenge here → ​ Join

---

✨ Only 1 more week to join the Morocco VIP ✨ Next September, Julz and I are hosting Power in Practice: Morocco, an 8-day retreat filled with movement, culture, adventure, incredible food, and deep connection. Think: • Two nights exploring Marrakech • Five nights at a stunning retreat lodge on the coast in Essaouira • Daily yoga, meditation & strength practices • Camel rides on the beach, a Moroccan cooking class, cultural tours, and more Right now we’re opening the VIP List, and those on the list get: • First access to registration • First choice of rooms • The lowest pricing we’ll offer​ • €500 off retail pricing If you feel even a spark of curiosity, join the VIP list here: Join VIP VIP registration closes March 15, and once we open registration the best rooms will go quickly. If Morocco has ever been on your list… this might be your moment.

Never Stop Learning:

Get your resources here...

• ​Stronger Easeful Nutrition E-Book​
• ​Goal Smashing E-Workbook
• ​Stronger Prep High Protein E-Book​
• ​Summit Stronger Blog​
• ​Meal Prep Done For You!​
• ​Coach Christine's Insight Timer Meditations​

Summit Stronger LLC | PO Box 2805 Kings Beach, CA 96143

​Unsubscribe · Preferences​